Casey Costelloe is an American author and social philosopher. He was born in Ireland and grew up in New York City; he earned a degree at Harvard University specializing in philosophy. He has written over forty books of varying subjects, including romance, etiquette, moral psychology, and social psychology. In his recent book, The Nationality Factor: Identifying and Believing Nationality, Costelloe characterizes the nationalities of people as psychologically and sociologically diverse and explores how these nationalities influence our choices and actions in every sphere of our lives including marriage and love.
According to Costelloe, identifying and believing one’s own nationality is more complex than a conscious decision to do so; it involves several unconscious processes that contribute to one’s view of himself and others. The first of these processes is called “emotional distance.” Costelloe explains that a person’s emotional distance is a measure of how far they are away from others; they are more or less removed from others and their thoughts and feelings. Because being emotionally distant from someone can make you seem “narcissistic, incompetent, or dishonest,” it can have serious consequences in relationships. According to Costelloe, if you truly want to be loyal to a partner, then you should do everything in your power to maintain a high level of emotional distance.
The second process, which is the basis for the third and most crucial step in Costelloe’s model, is “heteronormativity.” Embracing one’s own nationalities and adopting the perspectives, behaviors, and even attitudes of one’s partner can have detrimental effects on the relationship. For example, many couples in Western culture are deeply invested in sex, and if there is any indication that the woman has been cheated on, the man will feel the need to distance himself from the woman to preserve his image of dependability and honesty. This does not mean that a man will stop trying to become a faithful husband; however, if sex is part of the relationship, then sex becomes a problem rather than a solution.